pOlArBEaR

Today was just like the other day …. work , eat & sleep…I’ve read a post from a friend in the facebook about the world …about the famine ..about the children who suffered from that …about how lucky we are to be where we are now …to own what we have now…at least we can do the things we like …we can eat the foods we prefer …we can buy what we like…but they don’t even have what they need ..maybe a single piece of bread ..or maybe a little glass of water …or even maybe a piece of tiny clothes or fabric that can cover their cool body …its really a miserable life for them ….sometimes when i see the children who beg me for foods . drinks or money ..i really hate myself…because i always reject them …i really felt i am such a useless guy ….i can’t do anything for them …i don’t even wanna give them any foods that left in my food’s bowl…some food that i don’t even want to put into my mouth …i am SUCKS !!! But its not that i don’t want to help them …its just that i don’t really have the power to help them ..they are too many of them …which one i could help ? which one??!! I really don’t know ..I knew that I am such a tiny creature to help them with the limited power of mine …I am just like the others humans …God..i don’t wish for a better life ..i don’t wish to be wealthy …but i just hope that you could heal the world …with the power  you have ..you might can change the world …But i know beside praying for them …I wanna urge everyone in the world to help ..maybe your help its not much …its a little & tiny help…but when everyone is helping ..it really will make a differences…it will really help those who is in need …at least bring them a better life …everyone could bring a differences..as long as you believe in your heart & you open your heart to see what is really happening in this world …you will totally change your life’s point of view…please heal the world together …peace …

everything came in a lightning speed…as a simple ordinary humans i juz cant accept all the truth on my own so fast , so easily….something its not tat easily to be digest or to be forgotten … i don’t know why but i don’t feel this year is a good year for me, where i don’t really think that i m happy or at least not as bad as i felt right now … really bad..within this two months ..a best friends of mine has passed away when he is on his holiday on an island with the one he love…a uncle of mine passed away when he falls downs…death seems to be heard again  & again ….i really scare it will be again …& again, as the feel is too bad !!! the worst is yet to come …when i m all alone byself to accept all these shits , all these terrible news which turns my world into the era of grey…colourless !!! i started to think a lots of things , a lots!!! Turning myself into acoholic ..turning myself into useless garbage…so hard tat i have come so far to work at a stranger place …a place where i don’t know , a place where i gotta leave all of my friends & family …a place where i m all alone to fight the norms of life , the rythms of the lonely nights , the wave of the big ocean , to walk in the dark hole which full of the torns of poisoned roses…doing something i don’t really like … sometimes i really wish to cry , to shout out , or to tell someone how i felt but everyone is too far from me …all of my self-confidence which i owned before have faded away …i lost myself …i keep asking why i should be doing this ….life is too short & fragile , should i keep on doing this , something i don’t like ..or should i move on to something i like …i m too confused ..pls advice ….

a tiring boy…

Life is so weird sometimes , as we know sometimes life brings us happiness such like love , family , career , luck etc but life also brought us unhapiness which is death , apart etc . I started wondered why the god create this kind of things to happen on us , the human . I keep on thinking & thinking , today maybe i’ve finally understand the reason behind the reason the god create this …its the BALANCE …its just my guess . of course i’m not sure if what i think is right or wrong but i’ve the right to believe it …in order to keep the humans populations in balance as we have limited space in earth so the god create death …because with Birth there is Death …this is something we can’t avoid as we can’t denied …Birth is Happiness while Death is Sadness …Everything in this world is in a natural balance actually just that we can’t see it clearly . When i begin to understand this , i started to accept the death coz if i don’t accept it , i just can only live in darkness or live in the sadness … why not i lead a better life ? why not i enjoy the times that left ? right ? The god only create the Birth & the Death …but in the middle of this we are given the right & freedom to take decision how we wanna live …how we want our life to be ? What we wanted to do …….But the durations for everyone is different depends on what we have done in the pass life …as after we die we will be born in other side of the world as the other people …if i m not mistaken this is what we called KARMA…maybe ..hehe…so we must have appreciate those times left & do all the things we wish to do …don’t waste your single minutes as we really never know when is our Death come…as we also must Do More Good Things In This Life ….as our coming life will be more happier & longer…( This is what i think , if i have make anyone feel unhappy about the Believe ,pls do forget me )

to jeevan , my dearest friend ,

i reli hope that you could hear this … ur leaving make such a big impact of my life,i begin to think what is the truly reason for being a human when at the end our faith is the same which is death … today morning i received the msg from a friend …i was still in sleep that time, as the message alert rang , i shouted to myself who’s the hell sending msg to me early in the morning?! ..but…when i read the content of it my tears starting  to drop one by one ….non stop . The sms written ” Jeevan passed away yesterday at redang.He drowned. The funeral ceremony will be tonight .” I read that for few times , i hope i m dreaming , i hope i m blind , i hope that i cant understand the sms, but the truth is the truth …i told myself this aint gonna be true…they are making somekind of jokes with me , they must be kiddin me …all those stupid reason that comes to cheat & to lie to myself that you are not dead…this even make me cry even harder , i cant stop the tears from dropping , i miss you so much …i have always been missing you but i just kept that in my heart, i never told anyone about that…i sit on the bed silently , crying silently , thinking back & reflecting back those memories we have together at the school…how close we are…how we fight & tease each others with somekind of stupid nickname like “Polar” which means me in your heart, instead i really like this name so much ..i really meant it …being in the same class with ya for 4 years on roll have make my life more colourfull more happier more meanings & even make no regret being a human as i have a friend , a best friend like you . You always famous as the lazy brad in the class …whereby i will always help u prepare ur stuffz , clean & tidy the desk of yours … remind you about the important matters …help u clean your ditry school bag which smelled just like the Hindu smell, by the way you are a indian boy too, i nearly forget that coz you are so fair & much more good looking guy than the others…especially those killing smile !!! Miss that so much!!! All those things we do together will forever be in my heart… I really dunno how to describe the feeling i have right now,i felt like losing something very important , a gem of my life where i will treasure it always,i remembered every single moment of you from the 1st time i saw you till today…08 May 2009 a day that brought you away , a day that i will never forget , not bcoz today i cry the most but today i have lost a friend is very important to me…today onwards i will have a different perception of life …. appreciate those living days …enjoy it to the fullest as life is too fragile & short …unpredictable,no one will know what will happen in the future …why not we live today to the best we can … anyway i m sure that you are now in the arms of the god where he love & care of you …where he held you & lead you the right path where the world beneath the life whereby there are only happiness there…peace & harmony, where all those unhappy memories we gain will be erased forever … you will gonna smile all the times …loved & be loved by everyone around you , coz i m sure you have the most charming smile among the others … hehe! But Can you please not to forget me ? the polar …coz i m sure our memories is the happy memories only…please..promise me ya ?? i will always love you as the best friend of mine …& you dun have to worry about me here as i will not be living in the sad for a long time , i dun think you like to see me cry everyday ,i dun think u like to see an unhappy baby polar bear ? Am i right ? Jeevan , Jeevan , Jeevan , Jeevan , JeevaN !!! Let me call out your name for the last time…i m so sorry that i cant attend your funeral ceremony coz i m too far away..if i could i would …but i have tried my best …hope you would understand me…i m the most desperately person who wanna see you for the last time ….to pay you the last respect as a best friend but i couldnt, reli sorry….always miss you…

polar…

Sometimes cheating yourself is really a good way to make yourself feel better …but same method doesn’t work at different time ….

~while i always think how happy i am to be compared with the people here , maybe i am not that happy actually…yeah i really think that the people here are so poor as everyday i saw the children here beg for foods , for money as they are really hungry … they don’t care what you gave them…maybe a piece of biscuit , a halfly drank mineral water , or maybe the foods that left after you eat a restaurant … they will even fight for it !!! Beggars fight among beggars …from 2 years old to maybe some of them are old folks …just for something we throw away .something we don’t want anymore….

- 1st time i saw this happen… 03 March 2009 - my tears filled my eyes suddenly as it was really touching … how poor they are , hungry as they havent eat for few days …cold as the day is raining & the cloth is too tiny & they don’t even have a place to leave … they only sleep under any shop with roof …

*from that day onward i started to feel how blissfull i am to be myself … to be where i am today …to get enough foods ,clothes ,a place to leave ,money to use to buy things i like but they don’t even have money to buy what they NEED …

-12 April 2009 - After about one & a half month over here . i started to get use with the lifestyle here …i started to gain new friends , get to used with the foods here but still i am quite bored with the works here …as its really hard for me to communicate with the staffs here so eventually i LOOK alike a useless guy in my working place ….being a quite capable person last time by turning into a useless FUN CHEONG over here give me quite a big impact as i really feel so down & bad …i even get scolded saying that i am DAMN USELESS !!! But actually its not my fault …coming to a place you don’t know at all is really hard to survive …now i get to learn how hard is life where you are far away from home , from your beloved family & friends ….struggling with difficulties on your very own …walking by yourself in a really long & dark road ….its really a tough journey this time …cry is not the way out  but what else i can do beside cry…???  I have done my best ….i m so tired …i miss my everything at Malaysia so much ….as i am really lonely here …how good if i can have you by my side …at least i can softly lean on your shoulders & cry till i satisfied …i gotta be tough …i gotta act like i am really tough but the wind is too strong for me to walk in & the waves was to high for me to pass by…i am a human too…God..can you please light up my night & lead me on to the sunrise…

when today end , tomorow will come …

when the night is over , the day will come …

as our story have end , a new story will be begin…

i really thought of letting go of you for my entire life , but when i saw you , when u talk to me , when i see you smile … i really cant let you dissapear from my new story , you are really so important to me , important than anything in my life , even sometimes i really feel that you are more important than myself … but when i started to write the new story , you will only appear in 1st chapter …as you will leave here too , even faster than me…i really feel so miss you when i’m thinking of your leaving , i really don’t know when we will meet again & when u appear again in my life , in my story ….

“every story have its own ending , either a happy ending or a sad ending…., from the beginning i really thought our story would have a happy ending or maybe at least an ending that me smile,i never ever thought of having this kind of ending,an ending that make me cry the most , my heart pain the most …..”

the story of mine is a story of sacrification , a story where a naive boy being treated as a fool by his best friend , a friend he love & care the most …..from the beginning i really thought the relationship between best friend is something without any limitations nor calculation, as long as i see you happy , as long as i see u smile …i will do anything even sometimes i’ve to sacrifice my own happiness , wealth , times & everythings , but i always told myself that its worth it , as long as i think it help you , it make you happy ….but today when it comes to the end , you told me that friend is not like the way i treat you , its somethings that we need to count , need to calculate . you even told that humans is selfish… from that moment you told me that i know there is nothing can be discuss anymore , there is nothing to be say anymore, sometimes i really don’t know the real power of some singles words that can even make me cry & make mt heart pain so much , that words not only make me cry & pain but it also have kill our friendship where its brings not only dissapointed but also the death of my heart …i cry , cry & cried like a crazy guys , i shout like an insane guy as i also slap myself for few times to make sure myself wake up , to make sure i end the story even i know its not an ending i want …., but i will make sure i will have a better life from today onwards because my pass is too terribble for me to remember …i really hope you too can have a happier life after i leave , even i know there won’t be friendship between us but still i wish u all the best , take care always ….i will be always love you but from far away

today is just like the other day , not a happy day ….,

i sit at the living room , a living room that is totally empty …just like my life, empty…without anyone care of me , but actually that doesn’t really matter , what make me feel even worst is the way you treat me , like a stupid , like a tool & like a fool … when i really know you don’t care of my feeling , my heart was so paining ….i cry , cry & cried , eventhough i know cry can’t solve the problem ,  can’t help me anything but beside crying i really don’t know what else i can do …. maybe after i cry i would feel better i think ….hopefully i cry & shout like a crazy guy alone in the living room & it really help , i really felt much more better , & even thinking of a best way to get myself out of this s**t relationship , i rather f**ked OFF myself to get away from this kinda stuffz …i know its enough,enough !!!! Beside giving up i really don’t know what to do coz from the beginning i already know the result , from the start i already know i don’t even have the qualification to get myself into the games , coz i don’t even have the very basic qualification , just like asking someone blind to participate in marathon …..it is imposibble & i really understand now , but what i don’t understand is i already don’t have the qualifications to enter the games but why do the ” Participant ” still keep on doing things that make me feel bad & sad , maybe she really hate me so much !!! i lose from the beginning ….but why still you wanna hurt me so….love is not my fault but i will go,i promise…as long as i m not around you , you & her might grew better ,as i can forget you easier  …..i will try not to love you but can you promise me not to hurt me anymore as i am human , i got feelings too….

today was a really a tiring day coz my mind cant even rest a while , i keep on thinking the same thing since yesterday , since my cousin brother told me that i will go to work at Cambodia after chinese new year , that means it is within this month , the month that i will never forget , the month that make me cry the most i think , the month i leave my own country , the month i know that you will never love me, the month that will change my current life ….a month that my heart pain the most…., today i also discover that sometimes same things brings different meaning for different people , i know i m gonna split with you , my heart was so paining , i will also have to split with my dear mummy , my family & all my friends , i really feel so bad about leaving you …firstly i thought u will gonna feel the way like i feel but from the mimic of your faces when i told you the truth , i know its means nothing for you , u wont feel bad , its just a very simple & ordinary things for u , maybe i can say that i m not important in ur heart , or maybe i can think that i m just a passer or a just a stranger that came into ur life for a very short period of times , that leave nothing in your mind , not even a single memory …not even a small affection …but in this times we know each other , how we start , how our relationship grew further , how we quarrel & back together ,how much i sacrifice …..i  clearly remember everything ….i wont forget every single moment we spend together coz u have really make feel you really care of me, the feeling of warm, even its jus a very very short moment , its like a very sweet dreams but also a very short dreams , i know lastly i will have to wake up & face the fact that we are not faded to be together …i love you more than anything ,more than myself….i will miss you

i really hope it wasn’t too late for me to let go , or to say a goodbye to our friendship ….., i m really very tired of being a fool or maybe being a tool instead , i’ve nothing to say anymore coz i m such a failure guy ….i’m so useless cos i can’t even know how to maintain our friendship , its really my fault i know, so that the only way i can do is to give up our friendship …take care always …