pOlArBEaR

today , i m at the other side of the world writing these , where usually i wrote my blogs at malaysia ( mostly at cyber cafe , due to i dun have internet at my hse ) but this blog is my 1st blog to be created at Poipet, Cambodia …the feeling is much more different here , where i don’t have any friends here , where i can’t communicate with the ppl here , coz most of them don’t understand english at ALL ….poorly me still thinking of how to talk to them , as u know certain things @ stuffs can’t be explain even u r using body language ( laughing  by myself , damn silly ) i was thinking the best way to communicate with them but still i don’ have any clue how to do so , so i told myself it is i m not good enough or maybe they are not good enough?? i really don’t know….the life here is a bit relax actually where i feel myself at a place where evyone is a stranger , the place where i don’t know , de kids are playing footballs all around , like kampung feels but there are a lots of big buildings here where the CASINO is , coz actually here can be consider as a CASINO WORLD ….i have to be here maybe around 2 weeks to help my cousin brother to set up the bar section 4 his cafe here , so i really hope at least i can cope with the life here  ,i miss MALAYSIA so much !!!!!!!!!! i miss everything there ….& i miss u

although its has passed a long time ago, but everytime when i see you , the feeling is still there , but maybe its not ” Burning” like last time , just some happy & sad memories that last in my heart for ever …., but i really don’t know if this is good or bad, coz from the beginning i understand that love wont exist in between us,just friendship,but i just cant control myself from falling like last times , but this times is different , i can control by just treating as a very best friend of me , i just hope that we can share everythings together as happiness,tears…..etc,anyway i really hope that you could find someone who love you more than i do , who can take care of you for the rest of your life ,as  i cant do that……i miss u , i love you , but we are best friend forever …

sometimes i just wonder what i am in your heart , am i really a friends of yours? if yes , then why you treat me so ? why you treat me like a fool ? why you can just act like nothing even you have hurt me so bad ? why you can always act like nothing have happen ? i m so tiring of being a friend of yours, not just only being a tools but also being a fool…can you treat me equally fair? I have ever thought of  not to think about anything anymore,just act cool like you….but i really i cant , i m breathless, i m lost….. i cant always hide myself into the problems, i gotta solve it , so i choose to give up our friendships….i m so sorry ……i didnt mean to give up , but your act always force me to do so…….pls always take care yourself & may god bless you have a better life….

sometimes i wondered , if i didnt ever exist in your life , would your relationship with her would be better then now ? Did i make any mistakes until i have spoiled your luv life ? I really feel so bad whenever i m thinking of it , coz it seems like since i & u become so close , your relationship with her have break , more & more worst , i felt like i m so bad , i m such a bastard …. but now i know i m not wrong , its not my fault , i even thinking of spoiling it by my own hand , i started becoming a human with a ” Purpose Heart ” , i really don’t understand why u treat me so because of her , i didnt do anything , i just wanna be your friend , not more than that ….but u started avoiding like i m so terrible , i really felt damn bad , i even ask myself it is my fault??  Then …i shout to myself , i ask myself , ” Are u crazy ???!!! ” Its not my fault !!!! & I cant stop u from doing anything , its your choice ….then suddenly i felt much more better , finally i find a way out for our friendship , its the LET GO ….. i told myself no more putting a real heart towards this relationship coz i don’t wanna get hurt anymore ,u have choose to hurt me & i have choose to let go our friendship, i m so sorry …..

“Every night i talk to the stars, pretending its u , & its acts just like u , far away & never replies me …..,”

~ i know what u r thinking now , i know why you treat me so , i know the reason why u ignore & avoiding from seeing me, i know ….., i understand i cant control wat u think & what u do , but at least don’t treat me like a fool or like a tools , I M NOT !! I m ur fren, i care & concern of u , because i love u , but i just love u as a very best fren of mine , a fren who i will treasure always , a fren who i trust will support me whenever i in need , a true fren who i can count on, but now i know i m wrong , totally wrong….coz u have choose to give up our frenship, u do too much things to make me hate of u ,& i can tell u r success !!! u r the winner !!! i reli hate of u , since u force me to let go this relationship , i will say yes to u , anyway i reli hope u will be more happy after get me kicked out of ur life , i hope u will always be happy ,no matter what ,i m always here for you…..

today i look into the sky , i saw the shining brightly star,blink ! blink! it was so beautiful,then i ask myself how good if i can have a life that shine beautifully like the star in da sky ….., but suddenly a leaf fall from the tree,blew by the wind , fly through my sight, i carefully watch it until the leaf fall onto the ground,the leaf lying on the ground like me,starring at de sky,look at the star….,i continue look at the tiny leaf as it really make me think of something,the leaf ,when it fall from the tree….whether it get abandoned by the tree or was it the demand of the wind ??? I start think, but still i cant answer this kind of ruined question ….so again i  look into the sky,the star are gone,it make feel so lonely,as the star resembles you in my life , the cloud has covered the whole sky , it was so dark without you, i m so lost without you, but i know no matter how,the star is still there,just like you,still in my heart,i may not see you anymore,u may not glow & brighten my life anymore,but as long as i know you do exist in my heart,& i will wait until the star shining again……

i ask myself if i could just act so cool , like nothing have happen , like i never pour out this feeling on you , but i couldnt stop myself from being a slave of love , i knew i love you , but i also know that we are not fated to be together ,not even a second , but sometimes i just cant block the feelings that came from the bottom of my heart , it just came like that , without any notification , without any acknowledgement , i m so tired , to hide my love from you , i see you everyday , but i still cant do anything …just to see yoy from beside , i knew you have found your love , & fortunately she love you too , but i m not as lucky as you , i love but from the single side , whenever i look on you , i feel the crashed , & the burn of the flame of love , but i m too coward to tell that i love you so much , i try my best to give u everything u like , but i m just a normal human like the others , limited to some border line , i never hope you will love me but at least dont hurt me like you always do , i m just a tiny creature, i have feelings too,do you understand how i felt when i saw you sms-ing her? how hard i felt when you call her everynight ?? how hurt i felt when i hear you told her you miss her so much ???? i know i will never have that kind of changes in my life , not even a single time, but sometimes i just so jealous of her , how blissfull she is , can be loved by you , how happy her life are , got a person who care n love her ….

but what make me felt even hurt is when u say u r going marry her in 2 years times , when u tell me that u have found your true love , its was a nightmare when i m thinking of both of you together ,doing some intimate actions,i m so lost …my heart is so pain, like you have pull a dagger into it , my heart are totally broken , will you sympathise me with a bite of love , so that i can have a little happy memories with you , so that whenever i m alone at least i can tell myself we are happy before ,i really care & concern of you, i love you , n i hope you know too…….at least you wont be doing much things to hurt me anymore

sometimes when love comes to the end , its has nothing but hurt , because the only way to get rid of it is to hurt the other one , or u get hurt by the other one , there are no apart in peace ……if u really love someone till to the fullest , i means maximum , you would be able to choose either love it , or hate it !!! there are no peace , that can becoming friends after broke up , because do you think you can see the one you love holding another person hand, kissing , hugging , ????? Can you ? I cant , it was really a hard feeling , it was really very very hurt , the hurt is undescricaple , unexplainable hurt , leaving a scar in the heart forever & ever , & the only that accompanying you i tears and the feeling of lonely , of desperato…. hunger for love , thristy for care ……waiting for you , to symphatise me a little bite of love at least , or maybe a little pinch of care ??? Can you ??? Am i really nothing in your heart ??? i m a human too , i got feeling , but why do u treat me so unfairly , no matter how much i have sacrifice , no matter how many things i have do make you smile , the only thing i get is , dissappointed and a sad ending ……………….

today , i look into the mirror , i saw myself , alone….. then i ask myself a whole bunchs of stupid questions , like " Why i am so lonely ? " , " Why nobody want me ? "…….& lots more , i can answer it all with a very positive answer , but when it comes to this question , i’ve stopped , stunt , blur & lost , i really don’t have an answer for it, i started again , questioning myself again & again , until i m really tired of it, i look again into the mirror , i saw myself , i shout loud , " Why are you so useless ? " ….my tears started to drop,one by one , i didnt cry out , coz i know i m not suppose to be crying, not worth it!!! I know !!! but i reallly wishes to know how important i am in everyone heart ………especially in your heart, can you tell me ,please…..

sometimes i m just wondering , what i am in your heart ? a person who just pass by your life , or a person who left a scar or maybe a person u gonna remember till the day u die ???? I m just so confused , u cant look into ur heart , i cant read ur mind , nor undertand what are u thinking about , i just know sometimes you treat bad , but u treat me well as well , hehe !! It may sounds so funny but yet it is true , tat day i was feel so hurt when u wrongly / accidentaly @ purposely send a msg 2 me , but actually not suppose 2 send 2 me , but another person , a person who u treasure more than me , a person u love n care more than me , & of cos a person who is much more important than me, i think …..& what hurt me so bad is the content of tat msg , its a story of mine,& of cos a bad one…….., i reli  dun know how to react to the msg on the 1st , but i reli hurt n angry of u ……so dissapointed , eventhough a sorry cant cure the injury u cause me , coz its reli hurt so bad , hurt deeply , leaving a scar in my heart, forever n ever ….i m gonna remember the day of the scar born , coz its teach me a lots , i start to grew up n of cos i hope u wont hurt me anymore , bcos i love u as a very best frens of mine …..